How To Stop An Inner Bashing!
The most important of the 10-Steps to Intermediate is Step 9, Resolving Inner Conflicts. Although each step is needed and imperative, until you have practiced the basic skill of Inner Conflict Resolution (ICR) to completion at least a few times, there is no use to even attempt intermediate Self-Parenting.
When I first began teaching this was never a problem. As my “live” S/P students continued to work through the 10-Steps we would naturally learn about and incorporate resolving Inner Conflicts. In this new era of “social media” where everyone is addicted to their phones in the same way as slot machines, it seems that fewer people who attempt Self-Parenting are getting past this basic Step 9.
Lately I’ve spoken with practitioners of 3 & 4 years that never even attempted an Inner Conflict resolution, which honestly breaks my heart. I blame myself.
There is one early stumbling block on the way to resolving Inner Conflicts. Most of the time, people who attempt their first few “Inner Conflicts are really dealing with what we call an “Inner Bashing.” Since there are no “needs” behind an Inner Bashing, they can’t really follow the rest of the steps, and basically, they give up on the process. They don’t contact me for technical support and thus forever remain at the level of a beginner for however long they continue this practice.
Listen carefully Self-Parenting practitioners and consulting clients. You need to do 15-20 Inner Conflicts, before you actually learn how they work and get good at it. There are no shortcuts. All 8-Steps, done 15-20 times. Whoever you are, whatever your level of experience in consciousness growth and mind studies, it will take you 15-20 Inner Conflicts before you get it right.
I believe a United Nations negotiator who knows these steps intimately as an outer conflict resolution specialist, would still have the same issues if he/she were Self-Parenting his/her Inner Conflict. It’s just the nature of the problem.
The good news? Once you get it right, you’ll be resolving Inner Conflicts so quickly and easily, it won’t even be something you have to think about. But until then, some of your early efforts are going to be painful.
It occurred to me, I need to explain what to do when you encounter an “Inner Bashing.” If you don’t recognize and handle it correctly you’ll never get to an Inner Conflict in the first place.
Are You Having an Inner Conflict or an Inner ________!
Let’s say that you are just starting out and you recognize what appear to be the elements of an Inner Conflict, such as:
- Automatic mental thoughts or unusual body sensations
- Racing thoughts
- Repeating thoughts about the same person or situation
- Inability to sleep
- Sudden hunger/overeating
- Feeling overly tired
- Queasy stomach
- Sensation of fear or apprehension
- Reluctance to do something you normally enjoy
- A sudden cold or unexpected illness
- Inability to make what seems like a simple decision
- Pressure headaches
As the Inner Parent, whenever you experience anything like this “beyond normal” then you know you are supposed to write it down. This step is so crucial and so basic and so effective. Your purpose, as the Inner Parent, is to get the stressful “inner conversation” out of your head and onto the page.
So, AS SOON AS YOU recognize the above or similar symptoms and realize you might have an Inner Conflict in the making, start writing it down. You MUST get it “out of your head” ASAP and “onto the page.” If you have written it ALL out, and later “hear” still more on that topic, then start writing this out again, exactly as you hear it. Just keep chipping away at it, until it is all really gone from your brain and on the page.
This step alone will make you feel 80% better. There’s no real way to do this step incorrectly. Just write out exactly the conversation you hear, using opposite sides of the page, (“one part of me says” and the “other part of me says”) until you’ve duplicated and exhausted everything you are hearing inside your brain. Next is the key to this article.
Is What You Wrote Sound Like This?
Once it’s out of your head and you read it back, your “Inner Conflict” often sounds like this (to summarize):
No, you suck!
You are stupid!
No, you are stupid!
Everything is your fault!
No, everything is your fault!
You are a moron.
No, you are a moron.
Clearly this is “Inner Bashing.”
Next is an excerpt of a “real world” example (not a native English speaker), from a consulting client which went on for pages. This is a true “Inner Bashing” in the flesh.
I have had it. i am tired of you, tired of this messiness.
I hope you die so I get rid of you. What is this dirtiness,
the torment you have done to me. Suffering, suffering,
suffering. torment suffering suffering, suffering. I’m trying
to do something and you are blocking me. What can I do!
Do you think it is an easy scumbag, douchebag!
Do you know what kind of difficulties I’m facing
outside for not to be on the street! There is no one left
that I didn’t kiss his ass or his feet for the survival of both.
You are blocking me. You are blocking me so
severely even I cannot make even a little
move or progress that I want to do. Why you don’t
allow me even to make a little progress! How
can you know when and how I am gonna make
a progress and you block me right before it happens?
I gave up my whole personality to provide you food
and bread. I do bootlick my boss in full focus or when
I was looking for a job for you and for us for not to be
hungry. The world is evil. The world is careless to us,
harsh to us people, all bosses, employers. They
don’t care about us if we leave the job.
How do you sense that progress about to start? How can
you be in high-level alert? Are you waiting for me 24/7
to block that progress? Therefore, it means you are
keeping an eye on me all the time as a watcher? You are watching
me 24/7 to prevent the energy comes out in me, to prevent
I should not do anything good for myself or make any
progress for myself. Why life is made so difficult for me.
Why nobody cares about me. You are exactly behaving
like a person who was hired to block me from growing.
They don’t care what would happen to us. Do
you know these things? Do you know what’s happening
in the world? Do you know what kind of cruelty is
happening here on Earth! I’m facing with these cruelties.
It is not easy my friend…
There was plenty more, but you get the idea. Many of
your early attempts at Inner Conflict Resolution will
sound like this, but only in the beginning.
What to Do When You Realize You Are “Inner Bashing?”
Take the following actions as the Inner Parent for any “Inner Bashing:”
- The second you recognize that you are Inner Bashing, stop the Inner Parent’s side. Just let it go, cold turkey. Simply stop your side of the Inner Bashing as the Inner Parent.
- Next, from the Inner Parent side, start saying, TYICFTMT, as a response to whatever your Inner Child is saying. Do this by listening carefully to what your Inner Child is saying, and then at the appropriate interval, clearly and even out loud if you can, say, “TYICFTMT.”
- Let your Inner Child continue as long as it wants (which won’t be too long), since you are not fueling the fire of the Inner Bashing from IP side any more. Your Inner Child will eventually get the message that you are actually listening.
- Once the whole thing has calmed down, forget about it. Let it go and go back to your non-Inner Bashing life.
- When and if it happens again, repeat step one.
- Stopping the Inner Parent side and saying TYICFTMT to the Inner Child side, will always work for an Inner Bashing.
It is 100% possible to end Inner Bashings forever using this technique. You just need to become aware of them in the first place. Doing this over a short period of time can really cause a lot of peace within your Inner Conversations which is nice! There is no positive upside to an Inner Bashing other than getting rid of it makes you feel better.
Now, whenever your Inner Conflict symptoms start up again, use the 8-steps. If it turns out to be an Inner Bashing, simply stop it. If you have a true Inner Conflict the whole 8-Step process will work like a charm. Once you’ve stopped “Inner Bashings” forever, you’ll only have Inner Conflicts left.
Basically, you can’t get to your Inner Conflicts until you’ve stopped the “Inner Bashings.” Once you’ve stopped Inner Bashing enough times, you’ll recognize it quickly (it has a certain “feeling”) and let it go even faster. If you have an actual Inner Conflict, you’ll quickly see that there are a specific set of needs on both sides. Then you’ll need to resolve them with the 8-Steps before the problem goes away. Now, you are really are working on an Inner Conflict.